Your tits are I can't wait for
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
