Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
