look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
