then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
