someone threw a dead crab at me
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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