Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
