Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
