I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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