I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
