Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
