Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
