Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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