Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
