My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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