oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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