He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
