So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
