I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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