Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
