I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
