A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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