"it" just moved
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
