haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
