I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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