my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
