Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
