Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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