her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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