Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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