Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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