I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
