I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Can you bring me the toilet please
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
