Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
