Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
