you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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