Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
that may or may not have been my penis.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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