just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
