I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
