There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
