So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
