i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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