I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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