ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
