dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
