He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
