I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
