So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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