If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
