Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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