I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
