I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
