Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
